Thursday, December 2, 2010
The experience might be something like this tongue-in-cheek post from the Snark, courtesy of lawjobs.com. (To take the Snark's "BigLaw boot-camp" metaphor a step further, consider appointing Curtis LeMay as Dean and Jack Webb as professor).
BIG LAW BOOT CAMP
The Big Law Preparatory Curriculum should be offered as an elective seminar that lasts seven nights a week from 5 p.m. till 9 p.m. for an entire school year. Anyone who misses a single night -- for any reason -- receives no credit for the classes.
The schedule will immediately thin the herd of weaklings who aren't serious about pursuing Big Law careers. I expect at least half of the participants will quit after a few weeks. "But I had pneumonia -- I had to miss Sunday night's class!" Absolutely not. That is why they invented those handy little white masks -- cover your mouth, plug in your laptop and power through.
Those who can handle the schedule should then be subjected to a surprise "Reality Drill" lecture that occurs one unexpected Friday night at 8:50 p.m. -- just when the students think they are done for the day.
ADVANCED E-MAIL FOR BIG LAW COGS
This fast-paced class will give you the skills you need to read and comprehend 100 e-mails in less than two minutes. We will teach you how to use the preview pane to quickly prioritize e-mails from partners or clients in immediate distress by "panic-word spotting."
This course will provide guidance on deciphering e-mail tone, typing prompt and succinct responses, drafting CYA e-mails and searching to find CYA e-mails on a moment's notice -- all while being chastised for failing to do something that you were specifically told not to do but that you documented in the aforementioned CYA e-mail.
MATH FOR BIG LAW LAWYERS
Be the first law student to take a math class in law school with this riveting course! You will learn math equations that are essential to your very survival. Try calculating whether you are on track for hitting your annual minimum billable requirements: X/Y x 12 = Z, where X = total hours billed to date, Y equals total months that have passed in the year and Z = projected billables for the year. Amazing.
You can read the rest here, including another essential course called The Legal Assistant's Toolbox.