Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Posted by Alan Childress
Such a good day for me. First, my habitual wearing of baggy and underwear-revealing pant ensembles is held to be constitutionally protected. The fashion trend is, of course, called layering. Sort of an odd moment in the last decade to suddenly locate a copy of the Constitution, but hey I will take it.
Then I am told (by the email) that I won several euros, which equals a plethora of dollars, from the poorly named but generous EL GORDO SPANISH SWEEPSTAKE LOTTERY COMPANY S. A. Is someone saying I "won the el gordo lottery" just a polite euphemism for telling me I am fat, or is this for real? I remember times when I was rejected by law firms even though I never applied to them -- so winning this may be like that, in reverse. On the off-chance it is for real, I plan to storm into the dean's office today and quit. Time to put on my best MC Hammer outfit, with layers, for that showdown. Although I like my job, I am not one of those lottery winners--often with really bad jobs--who immediately announce they would not quit their job. Then why were you playing the lottery, idiot?
In other good news, I solved the mystery of those awful push polls conducted against John McCain in South Carolina during the 2000 primaries: it turns out that phone listeners were really just asked about McCain as the father of the blackberry. Now it makes sense and was not so surreal. Though one senator yesterday rightly noted that, if McCain had indeed invented the BlackBerry, that'd be reason enough to grade him down. I personally oppose all BlackBerry users--they click it right in front of you at meetings while you are talking, as if it is a TV remote control and you are getting muted, or your channel changed. Right after quitting my job, I would like to tell off the inventor of that device, as well as the Bluetooth guy that makes me unable to tell anymore who is (1) talking to me, (2) talking to their stockbroker, or (3) just schizophrenic. I used to take comfort in making such conversational distinctions. Now I feel stupid when I catch myself answering someone who was not asking me a question or greeting me, even though they were looking right at me when they said it. I wonder if they are thinking I am El Gordo. I prefer to be called El Guapo.