ContractsProf Blog

Mike Leigh on Best Efforts (Dedicated to Larry Garvin)

Helen Lenoir: Now, gentlemen, we all know why we’re here.  We seem to have come to something of a stand-still.

Arthur Sullivan: Indeed, we have.

Lenoir: Which, Arthur, is because?

Sullivan: Because, Helen, I am unable to set the piece that Gilbert persists in presenting.

W.S. Gilbert: The piece I persist in presenting, Sullivan, is substantially altered each time; otherwise, there would be little point in presenting it to you.

Sullivan: With all due respect, old chap, it is not substantially altered at all.  You seem merely to have grafted onto the first act the tantalizing suggestion that we are to be in the realms of human emotion and probability, only to disappoint us by reverting to your familiar world of topsy-turvydom.

Gilbert: That which I have grafted on to Act One, Sullivan, has been specifically at your request.  And, if you take exception to topsy-turvydom, you take exception to a great deal of my work of the past twenty-five years, not to mention much of what you and I have written together since Eighteen Hundred and Seventy-One.

Sullivan: That is patent balderdash.

Gilbert: Is it?

Lenoir: Gentlemen.  If we might keep things cordial, we may make some progress.  Arthur, can you really not see your way to setting this new piece?

Sullivan: Alas, Helen, I cannot.

Lenoir: Cannot or will not?

Sullivan: I am truly unable to set any piece that is so profoundly uncongenial to me.

Lenoir: Uncongenial though it may be to you, I must remind you that we here are conducting a business.

Sullivan: And may I remind you, Helen, that I am not a machine.

Lenoir: I would not suggest for one moment that you were.

Sullivan: You all seem to be treating me as a barrel-organ.  You have but to turn my handle, and "Hey Presto!," out pops a tune.

Lenoir: Oh come now, that’s not fair.  You are both contractually obliged to supply a new work on request.

Gilbert: The very act of signing the joint contract dictates that we must be businesslike.

Lenoir: Yes, Mr. Gilbert, and I was wondering whether you might not be able to solve our wee difficulty.

Gilbert: How, pray?

Lenoir: By simply writing another libretto.

Gilbert: That’s out of the question.  I have worked for many long months at this play, which I have every confidence will be the best we have yet produced at the Savoy.  To abandon it would be not only criminal, but wasteful.

Lenoir: I see....  What I don't understand, Arthur, is why you cannot set this piece.   You're our greatest composer.  Surely, you can do anything.

Sullivan: How very kind you are, Helen.  But, I say again to you all: I am at the end of my tether.  I have been repeating myself in this class of work for too long and I will not continue so to do.

. . .

Gilbert: If you wish to write a grand opera about a prostitute dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr. Ibsen in Oslo.  I’m sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.

. . .

Sullivan: The opportunity to treat a situation of tender, human, and dramatic interest is one I long for more than anything else in the world.

Gilbert: If that is your sincere desire, I would be willing, with Carte's permission to withdraw my services for one term, to allow you to write a grand opera with a collaborator with whom you have a closer affinity than myself.

Sullivan: No, Gilbert.

Gilbert: I'm in earnest, Sullivan.

Richard D’Oyly Carte: No doubt that is something we shall be pursuing in the future.

Gilbert: Indeed.  Well, that is your prerogative, Carte.

Lenoir: However, we are concerned with the present.  Arthur, will you or will you not set Mr. Gilbert's new and original work?

Sullivan: Ma belle Héléne, ce n'est pas possible.

Lenoir: Truly?

Sullivan: I'm afraid so.

Lenoir: That being the case, Mr. Gilbert, would I be right in supposing that you remain unable to accommodate us?

Gilbert: Indeed, Miss Lenoir.  I have had what I deem to be a good idea and such ideas are not three a penny.

Lenoir: What a pity.  This will be a very sad day for many thousands of people.

from Topsy-Turvy (October Films 1999)

[Keith A. Rowley]

Tom Stoppard on Formation Defenses (and Vic Goldberg's "Net Profits Puzzle")

Fennyman: Henslowe, do you know what happens to a man who doesn't pay his debts?   His boots catch fire!

Cut to playhouse interior where the proprietor, Henslowe, is trussed up with his boots being held to a burning brazier Fennyman's henchman, Lambert.   Fennyman, to whom Henslowe is indebted, interrogates Henslowe and instructs Lambert while Fennyman's clerk, Frees, watches.   Henslowe moans in agony.

Fennyman: Why do you howl when it is I who am bitten?   What am I, Mr. Lambert?

Lambert: Bitten, Mr. Fennyman.

Fennyman: How badly bitten, Mr. Frees?

Frees: Twelve pounds, one shilling, and four pence, Mr. Fennyman, including interest.

Henslowe: (moan)   I can pay you.

Fennyman: When?

Henslowe: (moan) Two weeks.   Three weeks at the most.   Oh, for pity's sake.

Fennyman: (gesturing to Lambert)  Take them out.

Lambert pulls a rope lifting Henslowe's boots away from the brazier.  Henslowe sighs with relief.

Fennyman: Where will you find ...

Frees: ... sixteen pounds, five shillings, and nine pence ...

Fennyman: ... including interest, in three weeks?

Henslowe: I have a wonderful new play.

Fennyman: (again gesturing to Lambert) Put them back in.

Lambert looses the rope, moving Henslowe's boots back toward the fire.

Henslowe: (moan) It's a comedy.

Fennyman: Cut off his nose ...

Lambert brandishes a knife and holds it under Henslowe's nose.

Henslowe: It's a new comedy by William Shakespeare ...

Fennyman: ... and his ears.

Lambert retrains the knife to the base of Henslowe's right ear.

Henslowe: ... and a share.  We will be partners, Mr. Fennyman.

Fennyman: Partners?

Fennyman motions for Lambert to desist.  Lambert does so grudgingly, then pulls the rope again to lift Henslowe's boots from the fire.

Henslowe: It's a crowd-tickler.  Mistaken identities, shipwreck, Pirate King, a bit with a dog, and love triumphant.

Lambert: I think I've seen it.  I didn't like it.

Henslowe: But this time it is by Shakespeare.

Fennyman: What’s it called?

Henslowe: "Romeo and Ethel, the Pirate's Daughter."

Fennyman: Good title.

Fennyman motions for Lambert to untie Henslowe.

Fennyman: A play takes time.  Find the actors.  Rehearsals.  Let's say we open in two weeks.

Fennyman throws open the stage curtain and walks toward where the audience would stand and sit.

Fennyman: That’s what, 500 groundlings at two pence a head; in addition, 400 backsides at three pence -- a penny extra for cushions.  Call it 200 hundred cushions.  Say, two performances for safety.  How much is that, Mr. Frees?

Frees: Twenty pounds to the penny, Mr. Fennyman.

Fennyman: Correct.

Henslowe: But I have to pay the actors and the author.

Fennyman: Share of the profits.

Henslowe: There's never any ...

Fennyman: Of course not.

Henslowe: Oh, Mr. Fennyman.  I think you might have hit upon something.

Fennyman: Sign there.

Fennyman gestures to a piece of parchment that Frees has prepared.  Henslowe, his hands still bound, does his best to make his mark while Frees tries to assist by moving the parchment around the stationary quill.

from Shakespeare in Love (Miramax Films 1998).

[Keith A. Rowley]

Seinfeld on Contractual Liability

I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, "Well, it's ruined."  And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, "It’s not our fault.  We’re not responsible.  We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation."

                       Seinfeld "The Stock Tip," June 21, 1990.

More on Suing God

Apropos our comments yesterday on the Nebraska legislator who's suing God, philosophy professor Patrick O'Donnell writes to note that the man-sues-God theme was the subject of a 2001 Australian film, The Man Who Sued God.  In the flick, a lawyer whose marine insurance doesn't include coverage for "acts of God" decides to sue the Big Fella.  O'Donnell says the film is "delightful" and actually raises some interesting issues about the role of churches in society and the practices of big insurance companies.

From the film's description, it appears that the Australian courts let him get all the way to trial on his complaint.  It is a comedy, after all.

[Frank Snyder]

Skittles Commerical Available

Update:  Thanks to Christopher Drahozal (Kansas), we have a link on the new skittles commercial, which can be found here.

The clip is even shorter than I remembered it, here’s the dialogue:

(Patron picks up pack of skittles and puts it on the counter)

Salesperson:  Three hundred dollars.

Patron:  Three hundred dollars?

Salesperson:  Or you can buy your skittles at some other store around here.

(Camera pans to show that they are surrounded by clouds)

Announcer:  Value the rainbow, taste the rainbow

[Miriam Cherry]

Great New Skittles Ad

I'm wondering whether anyone else has seen this new skittles commercial.  It features a man in the clouds, who is trying to buy a snack (some skittles) from a convenience stand.  The salesman wants to charge $300, and when the patron argues that this is exorbitant, the salesman asks whether he has any other options.  Is this price gouging in the clouds?  I couldn't find a clip on Youtube, but if anyone knows where I can find this, email me here.

[Miriam Cherry]

Bart and Lisa Simpson on Sales

In the seventh season of The Simpsons, Bart expresses some skepticism about the notion of a soul, then proceeds to sell his soul (in writing) to Millhouse for $5.00.  Of course, Lisa advised Bart that he would regret it, but Bart didn’t listen:

Lisa: For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years.
Bart: If you think he got such a great deal, I'll sell you my conscience for four-fifty. (Lisa walks away) I'll throw in my sense of decency too! It's the Bart Sales Event. Everything about me must go!

After the sale, the family dog (Santa’s Little Helper) will longer play with Bart, automatic doors no longer open for him, and Itchy and Scratchy cartoons cease to be funny.  When Bart tries to buy his soul back from Millhouse, Millhouse has already “kinda traded” Bart’s soul at the comic book store for Alf pogs. Of course, in the end, Lisa buys back Bart’s soul for him:

Bart: You bought my soul back?
Lisa: With the spare change in my piggy bank.
Bart: You don't have any spare change in your piggy bank.
Lisa: Not in any of the ones you know of.

[Meredith R. Miller]

Film Clips: Telephone Scams

      Duckman: She's a bigger ripoff than those talk-to-a-nympho-in-prison hotlines that double charge you on your phone bill when they know you can’t do a thing about it ’cause you can't tell anyone you called them in the first place . . . so I heard.

                                    Duckman (1994)

Wrong, Sir! Wrong!

This clip of the final minutes of the (original!) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie begins with a great contract moment when Charlie's grandfather asks about the promised lifetime supply of chocolate.  Of course, despite Wonka's citation to section 37(b) of the contract, the movie has a happy ending.  Enjoy!

[Meredith R. Miller]

The Marx Brothers on Contract Negotiation

Here is a link to a classic clip of the Marx brothers on contract negotiation and formation from A Night at the Opera:

Enjoy!

[Meredith R. Miller]

Another Faustian Bargain?

"You have a debt to pay. You owe Davey Jones your soul. That was the agreement. Time's up! You're a marked man, Jack Sparrow."

If this "teaser" trailer for July's Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is any indication, it looks as if Gore Verbinski and company are going to give pop culture-attuned Contracts professors more snippets with which to engage our students.  (Film clips courtesy of Yahoo!Movies.)

[Keith Rowley]

Film Clips: Was it Worth It?

Ann Orkin:  Eight years I went to law school. Three times I took the
bar.  I finally get a a client and my client is a lunatic.

     From: The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag (1992)

Film Clips: The Art of the Deal

From Network (1976):

     [The UBS television network has reached a deal with Communist Party rep Laureen Hobbs and a group called the Ecumenical Liberation Army (headed by the Great Ahmed Khan) to to produce a weekly television series involving footage of "an authentic act of political terrorism."  The Party and the ELA, including their lawyers and agents, are in negotiations on the deal.]
     Ed:  We're on Schedule A, page seven, small c small i --
     Helen Miggs [flipping through her copy of the contract]:  Have we settled that sub-licensing thing? We want a clear definition here. Gross proceeds should consist of all funds the sublicensee receives not merely the net amount remitted after payment to sublicensee or distributor.
     Stein:  We're not sitting still for overhead charges as a cost prior to distribution.
     Laureen Hobbs:  Don't fuck with my distribution costs!  I'm getting a lousy two-fifteen per segment, and I 'm already deficiting twenty-five grand a week with Metro.  I'm paying William Morris ten percent off the top!  And I'm giving this turkey [indicates Khan] ten thou a segment, and another five for this fruitcake [indicated Gifford] -- and, Helen, don't start no shit with me about a piece again!  I'm paying Metro twenty percent of all foreign and Canadian distribution, and that's after recoupment!  The Communist Party's not going to see a nickel out of this goddam show until we go into syndication!
     Miggs:  Come on, Laureen, you've got the party in there for seventy-five hundred a week production expenses.
     Hobbs:  I'm not giving this pseudo insurrectionary sectarian a piece of my show!  I'm not giving him script approval! And I sure as shit ain't cutting him in on my distribution charges I --
     Gifford [screaming]:  Fuggin fascist!  Have you seen the movies we took at the San Marino jail break-out demonstrating the rising up of a seminal prisoner-class infrastructure?
     Hobbs:  You can blow the seminal prisoner-class infrastructure out your ass!  I'm not knocking down my goddam distribution charges!
     [The Great Khan fires a pistol off into the ceiling.  This gets everyone's attention.]
     Khan:  Man, give her the fucking overhead clause!  Let's get back to page twenty-two, number 5, small 'a'.  "Subsidiary rights."

[Frank Snyder]

My First Wish? Fewer Terms and Conditions on My Wishes!

This funny New Yorker article, Your Three Wishes: F.A.Q., spells out the oft-overlooked T&Cs of the "three wish" offer made by the genie in the bottle.  This might be an amusing way to get students thinking about the ambiguity--and unintended consequences!--of the words they choose in contracts. 

It also brings to mind the three rules from one of my favorite movies, Aladdin (Disney 1992).

The Genie says to Aladdin: "Rule number one: I can't kill anybody. Bleurk! [Slices own head off] So don't ask. [Sticks head back on] Rule number two: I can't make anybody fall in love. [Kisses Aladdin] You little punim there! Rule number three! [Lies flat on back then rises, transforming into hideous 'undead' creature] I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty sight [clutching at Aladdin] I DON'T LIKE DOING IT! [Transforms back to normal] Other than that, you got it."

(As you may recall, Aladdin uses these putative limitations of the Genie's powers to trick the Genie into granting an extra wish).

[Eric Goldman]

Wayne & Garth on product placements

From Wayne's World (1992):

     Benjamin:  Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
     Wayne [holding a Pizza Hut box]:  Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
     Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way but basically it's the nature of the beast.
     Wayne [holding a bag of Doritos]: Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth you know what I'm talking about right?
     Garth [wearing Reebok wardrobe]: It's like people only do these things because they can get paid.  And that's just really sad.
     Wayne:  I can't talk about it anymore, it's giving me a headache.
     Garth:  Here take two of these!  [Dumps two pills into Wayne's hand]
     Wayne:  Ah, Nuprin.  Little. Yellow. Different.
     Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
     Wayne [holding a can of Pepsi]: Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.

[Frank Snyder]

Looking Like a Harvard Professor

[Beat poet Cappy (Morey Amsterdam) and sociology professor Dr. Robert Sutwell (Bob Cummings) are talking.  Sutwell has an extremely prominent beard]
     Cappy:  Just one thing, Professor, will you level with me?  What's with the feather duster?  The beard?  You think it moves the chicks?
     Sutwell:  No, it usually works the other way.
     Cappy:  I don't dig.  You don't want to level with me?
     Sutwell:  All right I'll level with you.  When I first started out a Harvard, I was the youngest professor at the university.  I was so young that it was sickening.  No one took me seriously.  Every time when I opened my mouth to speak, my students laughed, the other professors laughed, even the janitors laughed.  Well, I knew it couldn't go on for long before I was fired, so one day at lunch, I sat down in the student cafeteria and presented my problem to this old professor friend of mine.  And without even glancing up from his soup, he said to me: "buy yourself a pair of glasses and grow a beard."  So you see, all of this is just 18 years of professor window dressing.
     Cappy:  Amazing how our lives parallel. You have that, and I have this.  [points to his chin, which has a beatnik beard]  You know why I grew this?  I got a dimple in my chin and I didn't want anyone mistaking me for Kirk Douglas.
     Sutwell:  But you don't look anything like Kirk Douglas.
     Cappy:  See? It works.

                 From Beach Party (1963)

Donald Trump on Excuses

     Troy McClain:  . . .  I would say that I thought that you guys wanted an explanation, and I went ahead and gave an explanation --
     Donald Trump:  It was a long, boring explanation, and I didn't wanna hear it.

                    From:  The Apprentice

Jabba the Hutt on Contracts

Intergalactic criminal Jabba the Hutt, the huge slug-like villain from Star Wars, had his own unique philosophy of contract remedies.  Jabba’s former employee, Han Solo, was smuggling spices for Jabba’s operation.  To save himself from capture, Han Solo had to dump the spices.  But then Han made a big mistake: he never made restitution to Jabba for the lost value of the cargo.   

     HAN:  Hey, Jabba. Look, Jabba, I was just on my way to pay you back, but I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault.

     [Jabba laughs]
     JABBA [in Huttese subtitled]:  It's too late for that, Solo. You may have been a good smuggler, but now you're Bantha fodder.
     HAN:  Look . . .
     JABBA [cont. Huttese subtitled]:  Take him away!
     [The guards grab Han and start to lead him away.]
     HAN:  Jabba... I'll pay you triple! You're throwing away a fortune here. Don't be a fool!

Of course, the contract between Han and Jabba is per se void as against public policy, as it involves illegal activity.  But Jabba rebuffs any attempt by Han simply to make restitution by paying him off.  One could, of course, argue that Jabba the Hutt is not a rational economic actor.  Perhaps the better explanation is that Jabba has a certain reputation to uphold in the criminal underworld of his home planet.  If you enter into a contract with Jabba, you had better be prepared to stick by it.  [Hat-Tip: Scott Perlman]

[Miriam Cherry]

[Add -- Frank Snyder:  Jabba probably knows that Han's offer to pay triple won't be enforceable.]

The Halloween Social Contract

On the Episode entitled “Trick or Treat,” on the show Curb Your Enthusiasm by Larry David, Larry indignantly denies candy on Halloween to some girls who are in their late teens, and are in no costume.  The girls, obviously angry, later toilet paper Larry’s house and write derogatory graffiti on his front door.  When Larry calls the police to his house, the following exchange occurs:

Officer: So they had no costumes?

Cheryl: Right, no costumes, and for some reason that really upset him [Larry].

Larry: Yeah.

Officer: Now, you’re sure there were no costumes, I mean, because sometimes they can be very subtle costumes.

Larry: No, they weren’t subtle at all, there were no costumes.  They were just going around from house to house trying to get candy, okay? . . . .

Officer: But they knocked on the door, they said “Trick or Treat?”

Larry: Yeah, they said “Trick or Treat.”

Officer: And you had treats?

Larry: I was giving out candy all night.  But, I don’t have to give them candy.  They don’t deserve candy.  And I don’t deserve this (gestures to house and door, which had been toilet-papered and laced with derogatory graffiti). . . .

Officer: Did they threaten you in any way?  Did you see weapons of any kind?

Larry: No, there was no threat, except for the “trick” threat.

Officer: What’s the “trick” threat?

Larry: The trick or treat.  No treat?  Trick.  It’s a threat!  How far can you take these threats?

Officer: If it was any other night, sir. . . .

Larry: Trick or treat – bang bang! (gesturing as if pointing a gun).

Officer: But, it’s trick or treat, we cut the kids a little slack on Halloween.  There’s a kind of a social contract that you enter when you open up that door.  They say “trick or treat,” I would advise you to give the treat.

Cheryl: (Shaking head) Why don’t you just give them the candy, next time, Larry?

Larry:  I will not be intimidated.  Even on Halloween.

[Wayne Barnes]

Film Clips: Big Fish

    [Circus master Amos Calloway is talking Karl the Giant into signing a deal.]
     Calloway: Tell me, Karl, have you ever heard the term "involuntary servitude"?
     Karl:  No.
     Calloway: "Unconscionable contract"?
     Karl:  Uh, nope.
     Calloway:  Great!

                  Big Fish (2003)

Art v. Commerce

     Edwards:  I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings.  David, ever since you took [the show] to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate.  You know the words I like?  I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap."  Peppy and cheap.

                          Soapdish (1992)

Steve Urkel on relational contracts

From Family Matters (ABC-TV):

     Steve Urkel: I have a spectacular evening planned!
     Laura:  We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight.  First of all, this is not a real date.  It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
     Steve Urkel:  Well, what if you trip or something?
     Laura:  Just let me fall!  The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
     Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling."  Who does these things?  They're disgusting. Where do I sign?

Newman Excused by a Condition Subsequent?

In the Seinfeld episode, “The Calzone,” George and Newman strike a deal whereby Newman will buy calzones for George to give to New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, and George agrees to buy food for Newman in return.  George needs Newman to buy the calzones because he has been banned from the store.  Subsequently, the following exchange occurred:

     George: Well, I was dropping off the calzone money for the week . . . . Um, shouldn't you be at work by now?
     Newman:  Work? It's raining.
     George: Soooooo . . . .
     Newman:  I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
     George:  You don't work in the rain?  You’re a mailman. "Neither rain nor sleet nor snow . . . .." It's the first one!
     Newman:  I was never that big on creeds.
    George: You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal!
     Newman:  I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route.  Well, today I won't be going on my mail route, will I?  Perhaps tomorrow.
     George: But I'm paying you!
     Newman:  Yes, thank you. [Slams door.]

[Wayne Barnes]

Film Clips: The Marx Bros. on contract drafting

[Fiorello and Otis B. Driftwood are going over their proposed contract.]
     Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh -- "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."  How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
     Fiorello: No, that's no good.
     Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
     Fiorello: [Thinking.]  I dunno. Let's hear it again.
     Driftwood: It says the, ah "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
     Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
     Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
     Fiorello: Er -- just the first part.
     Driftwood: What do you mean?  The -- the party of the first part?
     Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
     Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract" -- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

              From:  A Night at the Opera (1935)

Charlton Heston on employment contracts

     [Maj. Amos Dundee, assisted by Sgt. Gomez, is looking for men for a hazardous mission.]
     Wiley:  If you're lookin' for hard-ridin', Injun-fightin' whiskey drinkers, then by God you've got one!
     Sgt. Gomez:  He's the biggest drunk we could find, but a damn good mule packer.
     Dundee: What's your name?
     Wiley:  Wiley.
     Dundee:  Wiley. All right, make your mark.
     Wiley [pausing]:  Whiskey?
     Dundee:  All you can drink --
     [Wiley quickly signs the contract]
     Dundee:  -- when appropriate.
     [Sgt. Gomez escorts Wiley out of the room.]

          From: Major Dundee (1965)

Film Clips: Family Guy on knowing assent

     Brian the Dog: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
     Peter Griffin: If by "read," you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes.

        From: Family Guy (1999)

Film clips: Batman and fitness for a particular purpose

[Bruce Wayne, preparing to become the Bat-Man, has ordered 10,000 special-order Bat-cowls from China.  Alfred is showing a prototype to Bruce.  Alfred takes one and hits it with a sledge hammer.  It smashes.]

     Alfred: There's a problem with the carbon alloy.  They promise that the next batch will be perfect.
     Bruce Wayne:  At least they're giving us a discount.
     Alfred:  In the meantime, may I recommend not landing on your head.

                   From:  Batman Begins (2005)

Film Clips: Elle's Dad on law students

[Elle Woods has just stunned her mother and father by announcing that she's planning on going to Harvard Law School]
     Mom:  Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
     Elle:  Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.
     Dad:  Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school!  Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious.  And you, button, are none of those things.

          From: Legally Blonde (2001)

Willie Wonka and good faith in contracting

Sam Beauregarde: Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka, I use them myself.  They're strictly for suckers.

       From: Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (1971)

Film clips: Steptoe & Son

     [Harold and his father Albert are arguing over who has the right to pick the channel on the TV set they share]
    Harold: We had an agreement, we shook hands.  I have got the law of contract on my side.
    Albert: I have the knobs on my side.

                From: Steptoe & Son (1962)

Film Clips: Trading Places

    Billy Ray Valentine:  Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low.   Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip!  And my wife ain't gonna f . . . my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!"  So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.

                   From Trading Places (1983)

Film Clips: Willie Wonka on obligations

     Grandpa Joe:  Mister Wonka?
    Willy Wonka:  I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
     Grandpa Joe:  I was just wondering about the chocolate.  The lifetime supply of chocolate?  For Charlie?  When does he get it?
     Willy Wonka:  He doesn't.
     Grandpa Joe:  Why not?
    Willy Wonka:  Because he broke the rules.
     Grandpa Joe:  What rules?  We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
    Willy Wonka:  Wrong, sir. Wrong.  Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if—and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy—"I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera . . .  "Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera . . .  "Memo bis punitor delicatum."  It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal.  You stole fizzy lifting drinks.  You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing.  You lose.   Good day sir.
     Grandpa Joe:  You're a crook.  You're a cheat and a swindler.  How could you do a thing like this, raise up a little boy's hopes and then dash all his dreams to pieces?  You're an inhuman monster.
     Willy Wonka: I said good day.

From:  Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Film Clips: Judge Reinhold on practicing law

     [Randal is going to defend Dante at his trial before Judge Reinhold]
     Dante: What are you doing? You're gonna get us both sent to jail!
     Randal: In Virginia, anyone who passes the bar can be a lawyer.
     Dante: You haven't passed the bar!  And this isn't Virginia!
     Randal: They don't know that!
     Lawyer: Your Honor, may I point out that this man is not a lawyer, and we are relatively sure this is not Virginia.
     Randal: Your Honor, may I point out that I've seen all of your movies, including Zandalee and Vice Versa.
     Judge Reinhold: I'm going to allow it.

                    From Clerks (2000)

Film Clips: Never trust a record label

     Jimmy:  Diane Dane told me never trust a label.  And I'm beginning to believe her.
     Lenny:  Well, sure.  I mean, come on.  They put us up in a first class hotel, all expenses paid, while our record climbs the charts.  Bunch of lyin' snakes.
     Jimmy:  Sorry, I guess I'm just alone in my principles.
     Lenny:  Oh come on.  [Jimmy leaves the room.]  Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song, "Alone In My Principles."

               That Thing You Do (1996)

Film Clips: Cousin Vinny on counter-offers

     Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
     J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
     Vinny Gambini:  Oh, a counter-offer.  That's what we lawyers -- I'm a lawyer -- we lawyers call that a "counter-offer."  This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars.  Let me think.  [Pause]  I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you.. .   Nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.

                From:  My Cousin Vinny (Fox 1992)

Film Clips: Austin Powers

     Number 2: While you were gone, I devised a way to make millions in legitimate revenue whilst still maintaining the ethos of an evil corporation.  We have become a Hollywood talent agency.

             Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Film Clips: Monty Python and the dead parrot

    Mr. Praline:  I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
    Owner:  Oh yes, the—ah—ah, the Norwegian Blue.  What's—ah—what's wrong with it?
     Mr. Praline:  I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He’s dead, that's what's wrong with it!
    Owner:  No, no, he's uh—he's resting.

     Mr. Praline:  Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
     Owner:  No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting!  Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn’t it, ay?  Beautiful plumage!
     Mr. Praline:  The plumage don't enter into it.  It's stone dead.
    Owner:  No, no, no, no, no, no!  He’s resting!
     Mr. Praline:  All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!  [Shouting at the cage.] HELLO, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show—
     [Owner hits the cage.]
    Owner:  There!  He moved!
    Mr. Praline:  No, he didn't.  That was you hitting the cage!
     Owner:  I never!
     Mr. Praline:  Yes, you did!
     Owner:   I never, never did anything—
     Mr. Praline:  [Yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly]  HELLO, POLLY!  Testing!  Testing!  Testing!  Testing!  This is your nine o'clock alarm call!  [Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.]  Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
    Owner:  No, no . . .  No, he's stunned!
     Mr. Praline:  STUNNED?
     Owner:  Yeah!  You stunned him, just as he was waking up!  Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
    Mr. Praline:  Um—now look—now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
     Owner:  Well, he's—ah—he’s—ah—probably pining for the fjords.
     Mr. Praline:  Pining for the FJORDS?  What kind of talk is that?  Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?
     Owner:  The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on it's back!  Remarkable bird, isn’t it, squire?  Lovely plumage!
     Mr. Praline:  Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
     [Pause]
    Owner:  Well, of course it was nailed there!  If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
     Mr. Praline:  "VOOM"?  Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it!  He’s bleeding demised!
     Owner:  No no! He’s pining!
     Mr. Praline:  He’s not pining! He’s passed on!  This parrot is no more!  He has ceased to be!  He’s expired and gone to meet his maker!  He’s a stiff!  Bereft of life, he rests in peace!  If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies!  His metabolic processes are now history!  He's off the twig!  He’s kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile!  THIS—IS—AN—EX-PARROT!
     [pause]
    Owner:  Well, I'd better replace it, then.  [Takes a quick peek behind the counter.] Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and ah, we're right out of parrots.
     Mr. Praline: I see.  I see, I get the picture.
     Owner:  [Helpfully] I got a slug.
     [Pause]
     Mr. Praline:  Pray, does it talk?
    Owner: Nnnnnnnot really.
     Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?

Film Clips: Monty Python

     Hospital Administrator:  Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ping.  This is my favorite.  You see, we lease it back from the company we sold it to, and that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
     [Everyone in the room applauds]
     Hospital Administrator: Thank you, thank you.

                  From: Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (1983)

Film Clips: Get Shorty

      Bo Catlett:  It says here you're getting Martin Weir for the part of Lovejoy?
     Chili Palmer:  That's right, we're getting Martin.
     Bo Catlett:  Come on, how you gonna do that?
     Chili Palmer: I'm gonna take a gun, I'm gonna put it to his head, and say, "sign the fucking papers, Martin, or you're dead."  That's it.
     Bo Catlett:  I wonder, would that work?

From: Get Shorty (1995)

Film clips: Paint Your Wagon

     Haywood Holbrook:  Dearly beloved. We have gathered together to grant this man, Ben Rumson, exclusive title to this woman, Mrs. Elizabeth Woodling, and to all her mineral resources.  I have drawn up this Record of Claim which here and henceforth will be recognized as a certificate of marriage.  So I ask you Ben, do you recognize this claim as a contract of marriage and do you take this woman to love honor and cherish?
     Pardner: [after long silence] Oh, he does.
     Haywood Holbrook:  Elizabeth Woodling, do you take this man, Ben Rumson, to love, honor and obey him until death do you part?
     Pardner: She does.
    Haywood Holbrook: I now pronounce you claimed and filed as Mr. and Mrs. Ben Rumson.

From: Paint Your Wagon (Paramount 1969)

Film clips

From Chicken Run (2000)

     Mr. Tweedy:  What . . . what . . . what's all this then?
     Mrs. Tweedy: This is our future, Mr. Tweedy.  No more wasting time with petty egg collecting and miniscule profits.
     Mr. Tweedy:   No more eggs?  But we've always been egg farmers.  My father, and his father, and all their fathers, they was all . . .
     Mrs. Tweedy:   Poor . . . worthless . . . nothings!  But all that is about to change. This will take Tweedy's farm out of the Dark Ages and into full-scale automated production.  Elisha Tweedy will be poor no longer.