Breaking: U.S. Renews Contract with Spotted Ground Squirrels Through 2015

Trusted reporting from the Onion; read it here.  An excerpt:

"We're happy to have finally reached an agreement with this vital American species, and we thank all the ground squirrels who have been carrying on in good faith for the past 18 months while we worked this out," a jubilant but visibly exhausted Interior Secretary Ken Salazar told reporters at a press conference Tuesday. "Their continued participation in our forests, meadows, and prairies is an integral part of our natural world, and I think our generous offer reflects that fact."

[Meredith R. Miller]