Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Groom: We want to buy a bed, please.
Mr. Lambert: Oh, certainly. I'll get someone to attend to you. Mr. Verity!
Mr. Verity: Can I help you, sir?
Groom: Ah, yes. We'd like to buy a bed ... a double bed ... about fifty pounds?
Verity: Oh, no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Groom: Eight hundred pounds!
Lambert: Perhaps I should have explained: Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate; so, every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Groom: Oh, I see. So your cheapest bed then is eighty pounds?
Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Groom: And how wide is it?
Verity: The width is sixty feet wide.
Groom: (Politely whispering to his wife) Six foot wide. And the length?
Verity: The length is ... Lambert, what is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?
Lambert: Two foot long.
Groom: Two foot long?
Verity: Ah, yes, you have to remember, of course, to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Apart from that he's perfectly all right.
Groom: I see....
Verity: But, it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide, it is in fact sixty foot wide.
Groom: Oh, yes, I see.
Verity: And that's not counting the mattress.
Groom: Oh, how much is that?
Verity: Mr. Lambert will be able to help you there. Lambert, will you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
Groom: Dog kennels? No, no, no, mattresses, mattresses!
Verity: Oh, no, no. You have to say dog kennel to Mr. Lambert because, if you say mattress, he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Apart from that he's really all right....
from Monty Python's Flying Circus, Season 1, Episode 8 ("Full Frontal Nudity"), air date: Dec. 7, 1969.
[Keith A. Rowley]