November 20, 2005
Looking Like a Harvard Professor
[Beat poet Cappy (Morey Amsterdam) and sociology professor Dr. Robert Sutwell (Bob Cummings) are talking. Sutwell has an extremely prominent beard]
Cappy: Just one thing, Professor, will you level with me? What's with the feather duster? The beard? You think it moves the chicks?
Sutwell: No, it usually works the other way.
Cappy: I don't dig. You don't want to level with me?
Sutwell: All right I'll level with you. When I first started out a Harvard, I was the youngest professor at the university. I was so young that it was sickening. No one took me seriously. Every time when I opened my mouth to speak, my students laughed, the other professors laughed, even the janitors laughed. Well, I knew it couldn't go on for long before I was fired, so one day at lunch, I sat down in the student cafeteria and presented my problem to this old professor friend of mine. And without even glancing up from his soup, he said to me: "buy yourself a pair of glasses and grow a beard." So you see, all of this is just 18 years of professor window dressing.
Cappy: Amazing how our lives parallel. You have that, and I have this. [points to his chin, which has a beatnik beard] You know why I grew this? I got a dimple in my chin and I didn't want anyone mistaking me for Kirk Douglas.
Sutwell: But you don't look anything like Kirk Douglas.
Cappy: See? It works.
From Beach Party (1963)
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